gift.

What a week! In every way - emotional highs, emotional lows, emotions I couldn't even quite discern.

I've been struggling with being anxious this week and having to remember the sovereignty of the Lord and His desire for me to trust Him. This, for me, seems to be a cyclical lesson. Just when I feel like I've made great strides, something new takes me aback, roughs me up a little and I come back to the place of brokenness where I have to actively choose to trust the Lord.

It seems like the Lord knew I was weak lately, and in His mercy, showed me a glimpse of His love and His grace with this story:

I was driving along Highway 19 from Tyler headed to Houston for my grandpa's 80th surprise party. Naturally, driving through one small Texas town after another. Relieved to finally have cell service, I made a call to my dear friend Christie and dug into our conversation, until I noticed a cop passing me going the opposite direction at a much slower pace. Instantly I slowed down and began saying "Christie, I think I'm being pulled over. Oh no. Oh no. Yep, he's turning around. I gotta go." (followed by an expletive that slipped out as I was hanging up the phone...yes Christie heard it and got a good laugh out of the deal.)

The officer, who was an older gentleman, walks up to my window. My whole body was shaking!! I was seconds away from tears. I roll down the window, and this was our interaction:

Me: I'm so sorry. I'm not from here. Was I going too fast? I slowed down the second I saw you because it seemed like you were going slower than me. I'm just kicking myself.
Him: Calm down. Calm down. You're shaking so much. This must be a first time offense.
Me: (pathetic laugh) No sir, I've been pulled over before and gotten a ticket and took defensive driving.
Him: It'll be ok. You can stop shaking. I can't have a young lady shaking like that on my watch. (Kind smile)
Me: I'm trying to stop. I really am. Believe it or not. (pathetic laugh)
Him: (trying to put me at ease) Well, where are you headed?
Me: I'm on my way to Houston for my grandpa's 80th birthday party. Looks like it'll be a little more expensive than I was expecting.

He laughed at my joke, took my drivers license, and headed back to his car.

Meanwhile, I lost it - tears I couldn't control and a conversation with the Lord that said "Seriously...now?" I saw the officer approaching my car and tried to pull it together. The tears were genuine, and I didn't want that officer thinking I was trying to get out of a ticket by crying.


He then asked me to sign a WARNING (not a ticket!!!), handed me the little bear pictured above, and said, "Tell your grandpa happy birthday." Fresh wave of tears. Stunned to speechlessness. And full of gratitude. Why he had a happy birthday bear in his car, I'm not sure!

I cried for a solid 10 minutes, laughed at the beautiful irony, praised God for this picture of grace, and told Him how unbelievably thankful I was that He chose to bless me in that moment.

Have no doubt, my grandpa got the bear! I will write that officer a thank you note, too, because his actions meant more than he realized I'm sure.

That is the God that I serve - I deserved rebuke. I deserved punishment for breaking the law. Yet in that moment, the officer saw me shaking and his heart filled with compassion for me. He chose grace. Not just grace that let me off the hook for the ticket. But grace, that gave ME a gift in that moment when I was so in the wrong.

Does the Lord not do precisely the SAME thing?

Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

God sees me in my mess. He sees me when I am in the wrong. He sees me when I am broken. No question about it. His eyes well with compassion and love, and He willingly bestows grace. The Bible speaks repeatedly of God's role in our lives as a FATHER. A father disciplines those He loves. He offers rebuke when needed. He also sees a heart that needs some extra love and a reminder that He is trustworthy, and even though it is undeserved, in His sovereignty, He gives it.