singleness.

Ok this is an honest (and quite possibly all too honest) blog---

This weekend, I had the chance to sit with my cousin Monica who’s a few years older than me. 2 kids. Sweet family. We were talking about a friend of mine who recently broke up with her boyfriend. She emphatically said “I don’t miss those days.” To which I said, “I’m living them.” They are not fun. I won’t pretend that they are.

I remember reading a blog of a friend of a friend on singleness. This girl is adorable and how she was single for any length of time, I don’t understand. I loved her blog, was challenged and encouraged by it, and also thought ‘I’ll never be bold enough to write that out for the public.’ I don’t delight in my singleness. It is not ultimately what I would choose for my life right now. It is a season that comes with loneliness, insecurity and fear---regardless of great, exhilarating, fun things going on all around.

Why would I delight in that?

I don’t enjoy having to question the intentions of the guys I hang out with, my intentions for hanging out with them, or if I will ever hang out with them again. And frankly, life’s not as full without someone special to share thrilling moments with, no matter how fun they are. It’s not nearly as much of a rush to watch the kiss cam come on the jumbo-tron at the Cowboys game and admit to yourself that the person you’d let kiss you isn’t part of your life right now. It’s frustrating to have to check your heart on a frequent basis to see if what you’re feeling is jealousy of a friend’s life or simply deep-seeded, God-given desire for something more. And it is terribly annoying to have car problems that you have no clue how to fix, and subsequently have to ask your dad (again) for help...no matter how much you love him.

I want so badly to do this stage of life with purity and gratitude.

And that is HARD.

Paul—cherished his singleness (and haven’t you ever read his writings and felt just a little sorry for him? Surely he wanted someone to tell about his argument with Barnabas, or the incredible visions he had, or the earthquake while he was in prison. I would! Irrelevant...and not substantiated by his books.)

The problem is: I know the Christian answers. I know to be grateful for every day. To turn to Jesus and say “I’m yours, use me.” To live a purposeful, missional, Christ-centered life. To utilize the time and opportunities that come with this season. To pray and trust the Lord to satisfy and fulfill the desires of my heart.

I want all of those things. I want the name of the Lord to be glorified because of the way I live my life. I want to share the love, the joy, the peace that comes with having a friend and Savior in Christ by allowing that to pour out of my words and my actions.

Again, that can be HARD.

And yet, at the end of the day, this IS where I am in life. I’m reminded that God knows “the plans He has for me—plans for wholeness…” I’m reminded that Jesus is here and now. He has redeemed me (praise Him!) and He is sanctifying me (praise Him!) every second of every day. No matter how many attempts I’ve made to convince myself that I know the best plans for my life, HIS PLANS ARE BETTER.

Believing that is not merely a cop out so that when things aren’t going my way I’ll have something to hang my hat on. Rather, it is TRUTH that I choose to firmly plant my feet in despite the pain of the unknown, despite the tears I wipe off my cheeks from time to time, despite the question of what tomorrow will bring, despite the longing for something more.

I probably frustrate the Lord to no end at times because of my own stubbornness. He, graciously, has stuck with me. He, patiently, claims me as His.

I AM HIS. My Beloved's. I can rest in that.

I choose to be thankful for today.

I choose to seek the heart of God for my life and for the lives of those around me.

I choose to surrender my will. To lay it down in glad submission to His will for my life.

And I know myself well enough to know I will actively have to choose this all again tomorrow.